


Letters Never Sent

by softboyriley



Category: Girl Meets World
Genre: F/F, Rilaya
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-06
Updated: 2016-09-06
Packaged: 2018-08-13 11:24:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,134
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7975108
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softboyriley/pseuds/softboyriley
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>They've been together for so long... What happens now?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Dear Maya

_5/16 -_  
Dear Maya,                                                                                                        
     It’s only been three days. I miss you so much. What happened? Was it me? I know you were always scared of what I’d had with Lucas. That doesn’t matter anymore, Peaches. You’re what matters.  
     I still have your sweater. The one you’d wear the night before an event or gallery, you always said it comforted you. It still smells like your perfume. I haven’t taken it off since I got your text. It’s like you’re still here, like this is all a dream. Why won’t you come back?

_5/20 -_  
Dear Maya,                                                                                            
     It’s been a week now. Your smell is barely lingering in the apartment. I keep asking myself what happened, but I’m not coming up with any answers. The flowers on my windowsill that you loved are blooming perfectly this year. Won’t you come by and see them?  
     Your winning painting is still framed in ~~our~~  my bedroom. I don’t know if I can ever change the curtains now, they match so well.

_5/28 -_  
Dear Maya,  
     You came by today and gathered your things. It broke my heart to see you. I don’t know what I saw in your eyes. I’d say it was pain, that maybe you want me just as much as I want you, but I guess that’s my typical wishful thinking.  
     I wish I could just visit Rileytown for a while to forget about all this, but I don’t think it exists without you.   


_6/10 -_  
Dear Maya,  
     It’s been a while since I wrote to you. I guess it doesn’t matter, since you’re not reading these anyway… I still miss you. I miss waking up with your hair in my face and your body pressed against mine. I miss kissing you while you’re in the middle of a project, the messy paint transferring between our skin. I miss your smile, your scent, your laugh. It’s been so long.  
     Farkle and Zay keep texting me, asking to come over. By this point they just want to know if I’m okay. I don’t want them to worry, so I lie and say that I’m alright. But I’m not. Things just aren’t the same without you, I don’t know who I am.   


_6/18 -_  
Dear Maya,   
    I could have sworn I saw you across the street today. Blonde curls caught my eye, and I watched the back of your head disappear into your favorite art shop. I remember you dragging me in there last summer with our lemonades, and I remember my fascination with the rows and aisles of paper and rainbows and markers.   
     I walked away when I started to tear up, and down the road a song played outside of a restaurant. Those same tears started to fall as I realized where I recognized the song from. It always played, muffled from the walls, as you painted. It was your favorite for so long. Does it hurt you now, too?

_7/7 -_  
Dear Maya,  
    Farkle tricked me into a date today. She was nice, but she wasn’t you. It was clear he tried to avoid someone like you. She was more into math and science, and we went out for coffee. Her name was Simone, and while I was having an okay time, I think she was very smart emotionally.  
     I ended up sitting with her in the park, pouring out every thought to her. How I miss you, how you’re doing so much better without me, how everywhere I turn you’re somehow there. You’re in a song, in some girl’s eyes, or in a child’s lemonade stand. We’ve done so much and known each other so long, I’m nothing without you.  
     She tried to reassure me, but it’s past that now. I have to keep living with a missing part of myself that I’ll never have back.

_5/13 -_  
Dear Maya,  
     There were a lot more letters, but I got upset and threw them all away. Somehow the first few survived.   
     I saw you today. Today of all days, the exact day you broke up with me a year ago, I saw you in a gallery. I finally felt okay enough to go to one. You didn’t even acknowledge me. Your latest painting was on the wall, but you were lurking in a far corner. The presenter described your work as full of pain and emotion, reminiscent of losing yourself or even your better half.  
     I knew what that felt like. I don’t think it would have been about me, though. It’s been a year, you’ve probably lost yourself in other women by now. I smiled sadly and studied it for a while. I even almost bought it, but I wasn’t taking my chances of another reminder of you.  
     I miss you, Peaches. Will you come back now? Will I come back now? I’m nothing without you, Maya. Can’t you see? I’m nothing.


	2. Dear Riley

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She meant for this to happen.

_5/14_  
Dear Riley,  
     You always told me that writing down my feelings would help, so I guess I’ll start now. I broke up with you yesterday. I just… I couldn’t break your heart. I know now it seems like thats all I wanted to do but I needed to save you, Riles. I had to save you because you can’t save me. I love you.

_5/20_  
Dear Riley,  
     This will get easier, won’t it? I almost called you last night to ask. I’m trying to get this out, by writing or painting or anything. It’s not working. What is there to life if there isn’t you? I won’t put you through that pain, though. I know you well enough to understand that this hurts less than the alternative.

_5/28_  
Dear Riley,  
     I went to your apartment to get my things. I didn’t expect you to be there, honestly. I thought you’d be out with Lucas or Farkle, trying to ignore this.  
     I saw the flowers. They were just as beautiful as always, and I made sure to take a picture. They were never as beautiful as you, but I wanted to savor what I could. I love you, I always have and always will.

_6/01_  
Dear Riley,  
     I know you don’t get it, I know you never will. I’m glad you don’t, I’m so happy that you don’t understand this. You can’t save everyone, honey. It just doesn’t work that way.

_6/07_  
Dear Riley,  
     You’re everywhere. You’re in the lemonade, you’re in the ice cream and the cafés. You’re in the sunlight, in the rain, every day at 5:30, you’re there. Everything has you in it, there’s no escaping the hell I’ve made for myself.  
     There’s nothing I want more than to run back to you and have you hold me. I have to keep things this way, they have to stay as they are. If I don’t remove myself I’ll ruin you. I can’t do that, I love you too much.

_6/18_  
Dear Riley,  
     I saw you today. I was strolling down the wet sidewalk and there you were, face buried in your phone. You used to never do that. All you did was point out every flower and baby and ice cream cone we saw. I miss that.  
     I wasted all of my paint on purple cats and lemonade at this point, so I ducked into the art shop. I swayed to the song playing, letting myself remember holding you. We had danced to this song at your parents anniversary. I wonder if they know now, if they hate me yet.  
     I whispered “I don’t know what to do without you,” as I grabbed a tube of paint, carrying armfuls of supplies up to the counter. I miss you, I hope you forgive me.

_7/7_  
Dear Riley,  
     I had given up on this journalling thing until today, when I saw you in the park. You were with this beautiful girl who I didn’t even begin to compare to. I watched you smile at her and it felt like my heart shattered.

_You don’t care, Maya. She is happy with someone else now. You’re fine, Maya. It doesn’t matter. It worked, you did what you had to._

_8/16_  
Dear Riley,  
     I thought that I should write at least once a month. Hopefully, I’ll stick to that. I started an art program this week, I’m painting with a bunch of other people and I have really good chances of important people seeing my work. The director immediately caught on to the pain in what I’ve been doing, but luckily emotion is what gets you somewhere.  
     Everything’s purple now. You’d turn gold, but apparently when you’re gone, everything has to be reminiscent of you.

_9/20_  
Dear Riley,  
     I’ve been doing really well in this program. They gave me housing so I don’t have to worry about money anymore, I’m having an okay time. Of course every day I hope to roll over and have you laying next to me in bed, groaning about how early it is.  
     Couldn’t we just kiss one last time? Or hug? Anything? I’d do anything to be able to hear your voice and know that I won’t ruin everything I’ve done.

_9/28_  
Dear Riley,  
     I haven’t been to class in a week. It’s hitting me hard now. I haven’t even told you, you don’t know at all. What’s hitting me isn’t even the break-up, I’m taking that pretty well. It’s that I have depression, I’m depressed Riles. You can’t save me, I can’t afford medication and I just couldn’t let you see me like this.  
     You can’t save everyone Riles. And I’m going to do everything in my power to keep you from finding that out.

_10/31_  
Dear Riley,  
     Remember our Halloween sleepovers? I miss those. I miss you, I miss you so much. I miss kissing you and loving you and being with you all the time. I miss knowing all of you and helping you with absolutely everything that goes on in your life.  
     I’m starting to forget why I even did this.

_11/23_  
Dear Riley,  
     It’s the holidays now, your favorite time of year. Everyone you love gets together and you all express how much you care about each other, getting caught up on everything about your lives.  
     I was in the middle of a painting when a sharp knock on my door made me jump. I could have sworn it was someone who had the wrong apartment number again, but when I swung open the door your mother was standing there.  
     She tried to convince me to come to Christmas, to be with you guys. She knew that Shawn and my mother were practically abandoning me this year so I wouldn’t have any plans.  
     “She can’t save me. She can’t know that she can’t save me.”  
     I got Topanga to leave, after I explained everything. Somehow she agreed that I did do the right thing, but she wished that I hadn’t hurt you in the process. I’m so sorry Riles. I love you so much.

_1/02_  
Dear Riley,  
     It’s the second day of the year. The first year I have without you. I might not talk to you for this whole year.  
     Maybe that’s why I spent New Years Eve alone in my apartment, crying with a bottle of champagne.

_2/14_  
Dear Riley,  
     I still love you.

_3/14_  
Dear Riley,  
     My artwork is being submitted today to judges. It could end up in a gallery in a few months.  
     Thank you for believing in me.

_4/17_  
Dear Riley,  
     I was chosen today! I’m having my work put in a gallery. Aren’t you proud of me? I wish I could call you and tell you…  
     It’s for you, y’know. I painted it for you. The shades of purple and gold and white, that’s all for you. It’s a portrait of you, and although you may not recognize it, it’s what you are in my mind. Soft clouds and sunshine, lemons and damp sidewalks. You’re everywhere, and right now I’m okay with that.

_5/13_  
Dear Riley,  
     It’s almost midnight. I saw you at my gallery today, I don’t think you realized what you saw. You were looking at you. You got me there, you have always brought me to good places. I love you so much and I miss you.  
     I wanted you to buy it, but of course you wouldn’t. You didn’t even look at me. My heart broke again, but it’s okay, that means you’re over me. You are over me, right? You’re okay?  
     I hope you’re okay. My chest aches for every inch of you, but I’m saving you. I’m saving you and it’s killing me but that’s not what matters.

_I’m saving you, Riles. That’s all I’ve ever wanted to do._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> P.S. - This is the end. You can request a third part, I'm willing to do it, but only if it is wanted. Have a good day, friend!


End file.
